Post by Amanda Kimmel on Sept 2, 2011 21:02:05 GMT -5
“Aaaah! Can you smell that, Erik?”
Amanda Kimmel, the Laser-Eyed-Goddess, stood on the bank of a whispering river. She still couldn’t believe how wonderful it was to be back here in China. It seemed so long ago that she had first set foot in this magical and mystical land and embarked on her record-breaking Survivor career. She twirled a strand of her long brown hair, fondly recalling the memories. It had been a wonderful time – even if it had been before her famous hat came along.
Erik sniffed the air, and made a face. “I don’t smell anything except trees and things.”
Amanda shook her head at his silliness. “It’s the smell of change, Erik. This season is going to be so amazing, and the fact that it’ll take place in China just makes everything so much more magical.”
“I guess,” said Erik, shrugging.
Things seemed idyllic and peaceful. However, neither host could have predicted the return of the ancient and terrible horror that had plagued their steps ever since their adventures in Tonga.
Meanwhile, far above, things were getting a bit confusing.
“Uh, sir?” Saint Peter gibbered, clutching the emergency phone like a lifeline. “We seem to have had a bit of a mixup here at the Pearly Gates...”
The senior angel glanced back at the qeue. “Heh,” he chuckled, a fake grin plastered across his face. “Sorry about the delay, everyone. I’m just on the phone with the big guy now, and we’ll have everything sorted out as soon as possible!”
Turning back, Peter resumed his conversation. “Well, no, I don’t know how it happened, sir! There’s definitely no indication that he’s ever gone to mass or repented of his sins. What? No, Sir, I haven’t asked him about it.”
Peter cupped a hand over the receiver. “Excuse me,” he said to the dumpy fat man at the head of the line, “But how exactly did you come to be here?”
The fat man told him.
Peter blinked, slowly. “Er, God? You’re not going to believe this... He says he gave the devil a Hidden Immunity Idol.”
After much shuffling of paperwork and transferred calls between departments, Heaven was forced to admit that Mister Russell J. Hantz, recently deceased in a tragic macaroni salad accident, could not actually be sent back to Hell. But, owing to his horribly villainous behavior during his lifetime, Heaven didn’t want him either.
Thus, Angel Russell Hantz, reject of both afterlives, found himself cast down to earth. Continents and oceans whirled past the helpless angel as he hurtled towards the earth.
He hit the dirt, and found himself in a strange land where everything appeared to have been written in Chinese. Picking himself up, Russell found himself staring at a hat. Beneath the hat was a beautiful brunette.
"I'm Amanda Kimmel, Hat-Wearing Goddess," said Amanda. "Would you like to play a game?"
Russell had never met a Goddess before, but it sounded like fun, so he agreed. He was checked into the game, and put on a team with a bunch of pretty women. Come to think of it, he wasn't entirely sure that this wasn't heaven.
In order to get to know each other, the teams sat down to make daisy chains. Angel Russell had a marvellous time chatting with the girls while they sat braiding the flower stems. “I just love these pretty flowers!” he gushed to Kim. “Don’t you?”
Before Kim could agree, a commotion broke out from the other team as Jeff threw down his daisies and grabbed Bob Dawg by the arm.
“Whoa, damn, dude!” yelled Bob Dawg, snatching his arm away. “Don’t be gettin’ chocolate fever, now! Bob Dawg don’t roll that way!”
However, the deranged Jeff staggered closer, saliva and blood dripping from his lips. “Braaaaains,” he murmured.
“Holy crap!” screamed Ami. “He’s a zombie!”
Aras leapt into action. “Quick! Everybody meditate!”
“How will that help?” asked Dan.
“Zombies want brains!” said Aras. “So if we clear our minds, Zombie Jeff will think our brains are empty, and leave us alone.”
Aras immediately sat down and concentrated on resettling his chi. Jeff lurched closer, intent on ripping Aras’ head off.
PZZZRTT!
Everybody gasped as Jeff was vaporized instantly by a blast from Lividmanda’s laser eyes. "Darn," said Amanda, turning off her laser eyes. "I owe him a favor now."
“Eek!” Russell cried, scraping some crud from his shirt.
“Great!” said Amanda. “I hate it when the inactiveous virus sets in this early. I had hoped we’d have better luck this time around.”
“Inactiveous?” asked Danielle.
“It’s a virus,” Amanda says. “Nobody knows how it starts. Sometimes the infection just comes out of nowhere, sometimes it’s caused by people being stupid, but the result is always the same. You turn into a brainless drooling zombie, incapable of participating in challenges or voting.”
Everybody gasped. “That sounds terrible!” cried Sandra.
“Um, excuse me...” said Angel Russell, raising his hand. “I don’t want to play with zombies. I just got back to life, and -”
Amanda waved a hand. “Don’t worry, Russell. The zombies are easy to get rid of. All you have to do is –“
“Get everybody to write the zombie’s name on a piece of paper?” guessed Alicia.
“Ask them nicely to leave you alone?” suggested Carolina.
“Get Amanda to kill them with her laser eyes?” Brendan guessed.
“NO!” said Amanda. “You shoot them in the head. But I don’t think you’ll have any zombies to worry about. This is Manchuria, a land of oracles, mysticism, and spirituality. Nothing weird should happen here.”
“I dunno,” Bob Dawg grunted. “I don’t wanna play with no damn zombies.”
“Whatever, bitch!” Nate yelled. “You probably got bit by that homo Jeff, and you just don’t wanna admit you’re a zombie homo, too!”
“Take that back!” Bob Dawg screamed.
“Never!”
“Well,” Bob huffed. “Just so you know, if we see any zombies poppin’ up from your team, we’ll kill your pansy asses.”
“Um,” said Russell, politely raising his hand. “We weren’t using pansies, we were using daisies.”
Bob Dawg stared at him. “What... The.... Fuck.”
Russell nodded, “So you’d actually be killing our daisy asses.”
“Whatever. Anyway, me and my six... wait now there's seven. Who’s that Asian dude?”
“That’s Kenny,” said Amanda. “I was worried that Susie was becoming a zombie, so I asked him to be here in case she died. But she didn’t, so it’s all good.”
“Hi!” said Kenny, waving.
“Braaaaains...” said Susie, lurching.
“SHIT!” yelled Brendan, killing Susie with a rock.
“This isn’t fair!” Dan whined. “All of our team are becoming zombies, and none of them are.”
“You’re right,” Amanda said. “In order to keep you guys safe, we’d better split into teams of five.”
So, the teams were divided up. Russell was thrilled to be able to make new friends! Amanda then ordered the teams to being stealing things from each other, which made Russell incredibly sad. He would have much rather done things like give rice to poor third-world orphans, but such was the horribly twisted way that the world worked. He and his team dutifully snuck into the other tribe’s camps and stole some things, but he felt like puking the whole time, and he made sure to leave an apology note, with all of the “i”s dotted with little hearts so they’d know how truly bad he felt.
It didn’t matter, because when they got back they found out that the other teams stole everything from Russell’s team. Though he was now destitute, Russell was at least glad that his suffering resulted in other people being happy.
“We have no food!” Brendan moaned.
“Somebody’s been punching me in the middle of the night and now I feel sick!” Nate moaned.
“I’m afraid of the zombies!” Kim moaned.
“Braaaaaains,” Carolina moaned, grabbing Kim around the throat.
Sadly, Lividmanda was nowhere to be found, but luckily Nate grabbed one of the stolen artifacts and managed to club the undead Carolina to death. Russell felt incredibly saddened. He had liked Carolina, for two very big reasons.
The infections were spreading, so Russell again found himself making new friends in an attempt to avoid the virus.
The new teams began to argue with each other, each one blaming the others for the amount of havoc that the virus had been wreaking.
“I knew this would happen!” said Aras. “We haven’t been meditating enough! This is what happens when you eschew traditional meditation in favor of dogmatic religion. There is no God!”
“Um,” said Russell... “I actually met God not too long ago, and...”
“Shut up, fatty!” Aras snarled. “You haven’t met God. In fact, you havent’ met anybody. I have more friends than you!”
Russell cried, because it was true. But then Aras began the all-too-familiar lurching and moaning, and was quietly dragged off behind a bush to be exterminated.
“Alright, guys,” said Amanda, striding into the playing area. “We had hoped that the virus was going to be contained quickly, and that we wouldn’t have to take any kind of drastic action, but I guess we really have no choice now but to place you all under quarantine. We can’t risk the whole world going inactiveous.”
Some of the women began to cry. So did Russell.
“But,” said Amanda, ”We have some supplies that will hopefully prevent you from catching the virus. But there are only enough for half of you, so you’ll have to race!”
Off they went. Russell ran as fast as his stubby legs would carry him, and was thrilled to discover that his team had reached the supplies first. Sadly, the other team was hindered by Nate, who began to froth and bubble at the mouth.
“We can save him!” somebody shrieked. “Just give us a some medicine!”
The medicine was administered, but it was too late. Nate was dead.
“It’s getting late, guys,” Amanda noted. “You should all build a shelter if you want to stay warm overnight.”
Working with Jaime, Danielle, and Sandra, Russell’s tribe didn't have time to make a full shelter, but they did construct the most important thing for a team of girls to have: a toilet. Other groups had similarly crappy designs, and Amanda was so infuriated by their incompetence that her laser eyes incinerated Alicia, Ami, and Jaime.
“Damn!” said Nate, strolling into the camp. “Those girls are smokin’, dog.” Everybody groaned at the pun.
“Nate!” cried Kim. “I thought you were dead!”
“Naw, baby.”
“Then he must be undead!” yelled Ethan.
“Naw. I’m not undead. I was, I guess, but the medicine cured me. So now I’m... unundead.”
“Unundead?” said Danielle. “So, if you’re not... not... dead... then you’d be... alive?”
“Apparently,” said Nate.
“Oh. Cool.”
“I’m tired of all of this virus undead dead shit!” Bob Dawg yelled. “I say we all just wait, and the first guy to start lurching gets his ass kicked!”
Unfortunately, Russell tripped over a shoelace, and Bob Dawg mistook it for a lurch. Poor Russell got his ass kicked, but luckily the rest of his team came to his rescue, and beat the tar out of Bob Dawg and his minions. In the midst of the melee, Ethan was, sadly, squished to death by Danielle’s implants.
“This division is ridiculous,” Kim said. “What we really need to do is all stick together. Then, if anybody turns undead, we can just work together and kill them.”
Everybody agreed, and began stealthily watching the others. Kenny, meanwhile, bought a necklace with a bunch of coins he’d picked up.
Sometime during the night, everybody woke up to a faint whisper of “Braaaaaains.” Dan was standing overtop of the sleeping Nate, attempting to crack open his skull.
“Crap!” yelled somebody. “Dan’s turned! Kill him!”
Sadly, only six people responded to the call, but they were able to successfully dispatch the undead menace.
The next morning, in an attempt to make the group of Zhanshi happier about their horrible circumstances, Amanda offered to open up the production team’s cafe, and let the castaways buy things. Nate bought a rock, and Sandra bought a phone that would let her talk to ghosts. Bob Dawg punched Russell in the face and stole all of his money, then threw Russell out of the shop.
Russell lay on his face in the mud for a little while, feeling sad. He drew a little sad face in the dirt, and drew a mean Bob Dawg face kicking it and calling it names. Then he felt bad for making fun of Bob, and scribbled out the drawing. He heard a few gunshots coming from within the shop. But he had just begun composing a poem about how wonderful everybody was, so he didn’t investigate. Once he’d finished, he ran beaming into the shop to show everybody his poem. He planned to read it aloud while giving foot massages to everybody.
Russell entered the shop. Sandra was lying dead on the floor. “Another damn zombie,” Nate grunted.
“Good thing you got her!” Russell said, smiling.
As he looked down at the dead Latina, Russell couldn’t help but wonder how many more of them were going to die here, locked in Manchurian quarantine. Everybody was at risk, and there was no way to protect himself from either being zombified or Lividmanda-ed. How was he ever going to survive this? Would he ever be able to earn himself a spot in heaven?
More importantly, would everybody like his friendship poem?
Amanda Kimmel, the Laser-Eyed-Goddess, stood on the bank of a whispering river. She still couldn’t believe how wonderful it was to be back here in China. It seemed so long ago that she had first set foot in this magical and mystical land and embarked on her record-breaking Survivor career. She twirled a strand of her long brown hair, fondly recalling the memories. It had been a wonderful time – even if it had been before her famous hat came along.
Erik sniffed the air, and made a face. “I don’t smell anything except trees and things.”
Amanda shook her head at his silliness. “It’s the smell of change, Erik. This season is going to be so amazing, and the fact that it’ll take place in China just makes everything so much more magical.”
“I guess,” said Erik, shrugging.
Things seemed idyllic and peaceful. However, neither host could have predicted the return of the ancient and terrible horror that had plagued their steps ever since their adventures in Tonga.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Meanwhile, far above, things were getting a bit confusing.
“Uh, sir?” Saint Peter gibbered, clutching the emergency phone like a lifeline. “We seem to have had a bit of a mixup here at the Pearly Gates...”
The senior angel glanced back at the qeue. “Heh,” he chuckled, a fake grin plastered across his face. “Sorry about the delay, everyone. I’m just on the phone with the big guy now, and we’ll have everything sorted out as soon as possible!”
Turning back, Peter resumed his conversation. “Well, no, I don’t know how it happened, sir! There’s definitely no indication that he’s ever gone to mass or repented of his sins. What? No, Sir, I haven’t asked him about it.”
Peter cupped a hand over the receiver. “Excuse me,” he said to the dumpy fat man at the head of the line, “But how exactly did you come to be here?”
The fat man told him.
Peter blinked, slowly. “Er, God? You’re not going to believe this... He says he gave the devil a Hidden Immunity Idol.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
After much shuffling of paperwork and transferred calls between departments, Heaven was forced to admit that Mister Russell J. Hantz, recently deceased in a tragic macaroni salad accident, could not actually be sent back to Hell. But, owing to his horribly villainous behavior during his lifetime, Heaven didn’t want him either.
Thus, Angel Russell Hantz, reject of both afterlives, found himself cast down to earth. Continents and oceans whirled past the helpless angel as he hurtled towards the earth.
He hit the dirt, and found himself in a strange land where everything appeared to have been written in Chinese. Picking himself up, Russell found himself staring at a hat. Beneath the hat was a beautiful brunette.
"I'm Amanda Kimmel, Hat-Wearing Goddess," said Amanda. "Would you like to play a game?"
Russell had never met a Goddess before, but it sounded like fun, so he agreed. He was checked into the game, and put on a team with a bunch of pretty women. Come to think of it, he wasn't entirely sure that this wasn't heaven.
In order to get to know each other, the teams sat down to make daisy chains. Angel Russell had a marvellous time chatting with the girls while they sat braiding the flower stems. “I just love these pretty flowers!” he gushed to Kim. “Don’t you?”
Before Kim could agree, a commotion broke out from the other team as Jeff threw down his daisies and grabbed Bob Dawg by the arm.
“Whoa, damn, dude!” yelled Bob Dawg, snatching his arm away. “Don’t be gettin’ chocolate fever, now! Bob Dawg don’t roll that way!”
However, the deranged Jeff staggered closer, saliva and blood dripping from his lips. “Braaaaains,” he murmured.
“Holy crap!” screamed Ami. “He’s a zombie!”
Aras leapt into action. “Quick! Everybody meditate!”
“How will that help?” asked Dan.
“Zombies want brains!” said Aras. “So if we clear our minds, Zombie Jeff will think our brains are empty, and leave us alone.”
Aras immediately sat down and concentrated on resettling his chi. Jeff lurched closer, intent on ripping Aras’ head off.
PZZZRTT!
Everybody gasped as Jeff was vaporized instantly by a blast from Lividmanda’s laser eyes. "Darn," said Amanda, turning off her laser eyes. "I owe him a favor now."
“Eek!” Russell cried, scraping some crud from his shirt.
“Great!” said Amanda. “I hate it when the inactiveous virus sets in this early. I had hoped we’d have better luck this time around.”
“Inactiveous?” asked Danielle.
“It’s a virus,” Amanda says. “Nobody knows how it starts. Sometimes the infection just comes out of nowhere, sometimes it’s caused by people being stupid, but the result is always the same. You turn into a brainless drooling zombie, incapable of participating in challenges or voting.”
Everybody gasped. “That sounds terrible!” cried Sandra.
“Um, excuse me...” said Angel Russell, raising his hand. “I don’t want to play with zombies. I just got back to life, and -”
Amanda waved a hand. “Don’t worry, Russell. The zombies are easy to get rid of. All you have to do is –“
“Get everybody to write the zombie’s name on a piece of paper?” guessed Alicia.
“Ask them nicely to leave you alone?” suggested Carolina.
“Get Amanda to kill them with her laser eyes?” Brendan guessed.
“NO!” said Amanda. “You shoot them in the head. But I don’t think you’ll have any zombies to worry about. This is Manchuria, a land of oracles, mysticism, and spirituality. Nothing weird should happen here.”
“I dunno,” Bob Dawg grunted. “I don’t wanna play with no damn zombies.”
“Whatever, bitch!” Nate yelled. “You probably got bit by that homo Jeff, and you just don’t wanna admit you’re a zombie homo, too!”
“Take that back!” Bob Dawg screamed.
“Never!”
“Well,” Bob huffed. “Just so you know, if we see any zombies poppin’ up from your team, we’ll kill your pansy asses.”
“Um,” said Russell, politely raising his hand. “We weren’t using pansies, we were using daisies.”
Bob Dawg stared at him. “What... The.... Fuck.”
Russell nodded, “So you’d actually be killing our daisy asses.”
“Whatever. Anyway, me and my six... wait now there's seven. Who’s that Asian dude?”
“That’s Kenny,” said Amanda. “I was worried that Susie was becoming a zombie, so I asked him to be here in case she died. But she didn’t, so it’s all good.”
“Hi!” said Kenny, waving.
“Braaaaains...” said Susie, lurching.
“SHIT!” yelled Brendan, killing Susie with a rock.
“This isn’t fair!” Dan whined. “All of our team are becoming zombies, and none of them are.”
“You’re right,” Amanda said. “In order to keep you guys safe, we’d better split into teams of five.”
So, the teams were divided up. Russell was thrilled to be able to make new friends! Amanda then ordered the teams to being stealing things from each other, which made Russell incredibly sad. He would have much rather done things like give rice to poor third-world orphans, but such was the horribly twisted way that the world worked. He and his team dutifully snuck into the other tribe’s camps and stole some things, but he felt like puking the whole time, and he made sure to leave an apology note, with all of the “i”s dotted with little hearts so they’d know how truly bad he felt.
It didn’t matter, because when they got back they found out that the other teams stole everything from Russell’s team. Though he was now destitute, Russell was at least glad that his suffering resulted in other people being happy.
“We have no food!” Brendan moaned.
“Somebody’s been punching me in the middle of the night and now I feel sick!” Nate moaned.
“I’m afraid of the zombies!” Kim moaned.
“Braaaaaains,” Carolina moaned, grabbing Kim around the throat.
Sadly, Lividmanda was nowhere to be found, but luckily Nate grabbed one of the stolen artifacts and managed to club the undead Carolina to death. Russell felt incredibly saddened. He had liked Carolina, for two very big reasons.
The infections were spreading, so Russell again found himself making new friends in an attempt to avoid the virus.
The new teams began to argue with each other, each one blaming the others for the amount of havoc that the virus had been wreaking.
“I knew this would happen!” said Aras. “We haven’t been meditating enough! This is what happens when you eschew traditional meditation in favor of dogmatic religion. There is no God!”
“Um,” said Russell... “I actually met God not too long ago, and...”
“Shut up, fatty!” Aras snarled. “You haven’t met God. In fact, you havent’ met anybody. I have more friends than you!”
Russell cried, because it was true. But then Aras began the all-too-familiar lurching and moaning, and was quietly dragged off behind a bush to be exterminated.
“Alright, guys,” said Amanda, striding into the playing area. “We had hoped that the virus was going to be contained quickly, and that we wouldn’t have to take any kind of drastic action, but I guess we really have no choice now but to place you all under quarantine. We can’t risk the whole world going inactiveous.”
Some of the women began to cry. So did Russell.
“But,” said Amanda, ”We have some supplies that will hopefully prevent you from catching the virus. But there are only enough for half of you, so you’ll have to race!”
Off they went. Russell ran as fast as his stubby legs would carry him, and was thrilled to discover that his team had reached the supplies first. Sadly, the other team was hindered by Nate, who began to froth and bubble at the mouth.
“We can save him!” somebody shrieked. “Just give us a some medicine!”
The medicine was administered, but it was too late. Nate was dead.
“It’s getting late, guys,” Amanda noted. “You should all build a shelter if you want to stay warm overnight.”
Working with Jaime, Danielle, and Sandra, Russell’s tribe didn't have time to make a full shelter, but they did construct the most important thing for a team of girls to have: a toilet. Other groups had similarly crappy designs, and Amanda was so infuriated by their incompetence that her laser eyes incinerated Alicia, Ami, and Jaime.
“Damn!” said Nate, strolling into the camp. “Those girls are smokin’, dog.” Everybody groaned at the pun.
“Nate!” cried Kim. “I thought you were dead!”
“Naw, baby.”
“Then he must be undead!” yelled Ethan.
“Naw. I’m not undead. I was, I guess, but the medicine cured me. So now I’m... unundead.”
“Unundead?” said Danielle. “So, if you’re not... not... dead... then you’d be... alive?”
“Apparently,” said Nate.
“Oh. Cool.”
“I’m tired of all of this virus undead dead shit!” Bob Dawg yelled. “I say we all just wait, and the first guy to start lurching gets his ass kicked!”
Unfortunately, Russell tripped over a shoelace, and Bob Dawg mistook it for a lurch. Poor Russell got his ass kicked, but luckily the rest of his team came to his rescue, and beat the tar out of Bob Dawg and his minions. In the midst of the melee, Ethan was, sadly, squished to death by Danielle’s implants.
“This division is ridiculous,” Kim said. “What we really need to do is all stick together. Then, if anybody turns undead, we can just work together and kill them.”
Everybody agreed, and began stealthily watching the others. Kenny, meanwhile, bought a necklace with a bunch of coins he’d picked up.
Sometime during the night, everybody woke up to a faint whisper of “Braaaaaains.” Dan was standing overtop of the sleeping Nate, attempting to crack open his skull.
“Crap!” yelled somebody. “Dan’s turned! Kill him!”
Sadly, only six people responded to the call, but they were able to successfully dispatch the undead menace.
The next morning, in an attempt to make the group of Zhanshi happier about their horrible circumstances, Amanda offered to open up the production team’s cafe, and let the castaways buy things. Nate bought a rock, and Sandra bought a phone that would let her talk to ghosts. Bob Dawg punched Russell in the face and stole all of his money, then threw Russell out of the shop.
Russell lay on his face in the mud for a little while, feeling sad. He drew a little sad face in the dirt, and drew a mean Bob Dawg face kicking it and calling it names. Then he felt bad for making fun of Bob, and scribbled out the drawing. He heard a few gunshots coming from within the shop. But he had just begun composing a poem about how wonderful everybody was, so he didn’t investigate. Once he’d finished, he ran beaming into the shop to show everybody his poem. He planned to read it aloud while giving foot massages to everybody.
Russell entered the shop. Sandra was lying dead on the floor. “Another damn zombie,” Nate grunted.
“Good thing you got her!” Russell said, smiling.
As he looked down at the dead Latina, Russell couldn’t help but wonder how many more of them were going to die here, locked in Manchurian quarantine. Everybody was at risk, and there was no way to protect himself from either being zombified or Lividmanda-ed. How was he ever going to survive this? Would he ever be able to earn himself a spot in heaven?
More importantly, would everybody like his friendship poem?
